| Her |
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| 10:04pm 28/09/2009 |
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mood: Tender music: One Heart
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The night sky shone;
diamonds in her skirts
sparkling within velvet folds
skin pale as the snow
gathering about the garden
to mingle with lips red as a rose
Bittersweet memories pull,
drawing the mind from reality
to a place long gone before.
A heart's strings
pulling on the muscles of memories
to be cast from the drought
and into the visions of her eyes.
Heart as pure
as that of the smallest child;
just as joyful and curious
laughter like crystal
brightening the dimmest of rooms-
the darkest of souls.
this dream of a lost reality,
the only light
in a heart long past broken. |
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| Feh |
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| 02:22am 18/07/2007 |
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mood:  depressed music: Ice Breaker - Iceman
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Won't be working with the graphics shop. I'll survive. Life simply...is. -shrugs- Read a poem or something.
I can't help these nights,
lost in the past,
drawing in on myself.
I'd told you I would flourish,
the stars would be my guide,
my heart would remain open.
I guess it's just another broken promise.
Rarely do these eyes ever cry,
do I ever allow myself to feel.
All an illusion for you,
your eyes too perceptive.
I suppose that's why you left.
Silent tears on a rainy night;
a heart too calloused and cold to break.
I only wish that was the truth.
This tightening chest,
burning eyes not allowed to close,
silent pain.
I had wished so desperately for love-
I never knew what it would be like
to simply loose what you finally find
and be too afraid to go after it
when it means the most.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Later |
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| Update |
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| 11:46am 13/07/2007 |
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It's been...a while since I posted, so I figured I should. Pulled myself off of myspace because I never did anything on there, and it wsa really just pathetic of me to remain. Ano...told a good friend the whole story that I really shouldn't have. I'm in Bellingham now, was fired from walmart for doing my job because they're a bunch of dipshits. In the process of setting things up to get my unemployment, hopefully I manage to get it. Found a graphics place here that does what I've wanted to do, and I really hope I get hired there, ifonly because then it's something on my resume that states I've actually -done- what I went to school for. I really really like working in graphics. Even if it is just composite, because I can't draw. Or rather, I can't draw very well. I've got to call them and Barns & Nobel today. I was going to work in the coffe shope, but it's still in the book store. *_* I hope,hnaaa... We'll see. -shrugs- In any case, it's been a long while and I wanted to update whoever still reads this. |
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| ... |
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| 10:16am 24/05/2007 |
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mood: crushed
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I almost hit a puppy today ;-; I was lucky enough there was a ton of room between me and the car behind me so I could slam on my breaks and the puppy got across the street (on the highway! @.@;;) unhurt. Yayness for the God. n.n Sometimes I really love Him. *nods* Yup yup. Back to boxing and packing and going through crap. I head to bootcamp on the 25th of September....it'll be....interesting. n.n Woot. Heh. |
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| Remember those in need |
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| 08:29am 24/12/2006 |
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mood:  content music: Soft snow silence
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A CHRISTMAS TO REMEMBER
Pa never had much compassion for the lazy or those who squandered their means and then never had enough for the necessities. But for those who were genuinely in need, his heart was as big as all outdoors. It was from him
that I learned the greatest joy in life comes from giving, not fromreceiving.
It was Christmas Eve 1881. I was fifteen years old and feeling like the world had caved in on me because there just hadn't been enough money to buy me the rifle that I'd wanted for Christmas. We did the chores early that night for some reason. I just figured Pa wanted a little extra time so we could read in the Bible.
After supper was over I took my boots off and stretched out in front of the fireplace and waited for Pa to get down the old Bible. I was still feeling sorry for myself and, to be honest, I wasn't in much of a mood to read Scriptures. But Pa didn't get the Bible; instead he bundled up again and went outside. I couldn't figure it out because we had already done all the
chores. I didn't worry about it long though; I was too busy wallowing in self-pity.
Soon Pa came back in. It was a cold clear night out and there was ice in his beard. "Come on, Matt," he said. "Bundle up good, it's cold out tonight." I was really upset then. Not only wasn't I getting the rifle for Christmas, now Pa was dragging me out in the cold, and for no earthly reason that I could see. We'd already done all the chores, and I couldn't
think of anything else that needed doing, especially not on a night like this.
But I knew Pa was not very patient at one dragging one's feet when he'd told them to do something, so I got up and put my boots back on and got my cap, coat, and mittens. Ma gave me a mysterious smile as I opened the door to leave the house. Something was up, but I didn't know what.
Outside, I became even more dismayed. There in front of the house was the work team, already hitched to the big sled. Whatever it was we were going to do wasn't going to be a short, quick, little job. I could tell. We never hitched up this sled unless we were going to haul a big load.
Pa was already up on the seat, reins in hand. I reluctantly climbed up beside him. The cold was already biting at me. I wasn't happy. When I was on, Pa pulled the sled around the house and stopped in front of the woodshed. He got off and I followed. "I think we'll put on the high sideboards," he said. "Here, help me." The high sideboards! It had been a
bigger job than I wanted to do with just the low sideboards on, but whatever it was we were going to do would be a lot bigger with the high sideboards on.
After we had exchanged the sideboards, Pa went into the woodshed and came out with an armload of wood---the wood I'd spent all summer hauling down from the mountain, and then all Fall sawing into blocks and splitting. What was he doing? Finally I said something. "Pa," I asked, "what are you
doing?" You been by the Widow Jensen's lately?" he asked. The Widow Jensen lived about two miles down the road. Her husband had died a year or so before and left her with three children, the oldest being eight. Sure, I'd been by, but so what? "Yeah," I said, "Why?" "I rode by just today," Pa said. "Little Jakey was out digging around in the woodpile trying to find a
few chips. They're out of wood, Matt."
That was all he said and then he turned and went back into the woodshed for another armload of wood. I followed him. We loaded the sled so high that I began to wonder if the horses would be able to pull it. Finally, Pa called a halt to our loading, then we went to the smoke house and Pa took down a
big ham and a side of bacon. He handed them to me and told me to put them in the sled and wait.
When he returned he was carrying a sack of flour over his right shoulder and a smaller sack of something in his left hand. "What's in the little sack?" I asked. "Shoes. They're out of shoes. Little Jakey just had gunnysacks wrapped around his feet when he was out in the woodpile this morning. I got the children a little candy too. It just wouldn't be Christmas without a little candy."
We rode the two miles to Widow Jensen's pretty much in silence. I tried to think through what Pa was doing. We didn't have much by worldly standards. Of course, we did have a big woodpile, though most of what was left now was still in the form of logs that I would have to saw into blocks and split before we could use it. We also had meat and flour, so we could spare that, but I knew we didn't have any money, so why was Pa buying them shoes and candy?
Really, why was he doing any of this? Widow Jensen had closer neighbors than us; it shouldn't have been our concern. We came in from the blind side of the Jensen house and unloaded the wood as quietly as possible, and then
we took the meat and flour and shoes to the door. We knocked. The door opened a crack and a timid voice said, "Who is it?" "Lucas Miles, Ma'am, and my son, Matt. Could we come in for a bit?"
Widow Jensen opened the door and let us in. She had a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. The children were wrapped in another and were sitting in front of the fireplace by a very small fire that hardly gave off any heat at all. Widow Jensen fumbled with a match and finally lit the lamp. "We
brought you a few things, Ma'am," Pa said and set down the sack of flour. I put the meat on the table. Then Pa handed her the sack that had the shoes in it.
She opened it hesitantly and took the shoes out one pair at a time. There was a pair for her and one for each of the children---sturdy shoes, the best, shoes that would last. I watched her carefully. She bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling and then tears filled her eyes and started running down her cheeks. She looked up at Pa like she wanted to say something, but it wouldn't come out.
"We brought a load of wood too, Ma'am," Pa said. He turned to me and said, "Matt, go bring in enough to last awhile. Let's get that fire up to size and heat this place up." I wasn't the same person when I went back out to bring in the wood. I had a big lump in my throat and as much as I hate to admit it, there were tears in my eyes too.
In my mind I kept seeing those three kids huddled around the fireplace and their mother standing there with tears running down her cheeks with so much gratitude in her heart that she couldn't speak. My heart swelled within me and a joy that I'd never known before, filled my soul. I had given at
Christmas many times before, but never when it had made so much difference. I could see we were literally saving the lives of these people.
I soon had the fire blazing and everyone's spirits soared. The kids started giggling when Pa handed them each a piece of candy and Widow Jensen looked on with a smile that probably hadn't crossed her face for a long time. She
finally turned to us. "God bless you," she said. "I know the Lord has sent you. The children and I have been praying that he would send one of his angels to spare us."
In spite of myself, the lump returned to my throat and the tears welled up in my eyes again. I'd never thought of Pa in those exact terms before, but after Widow Jensen mentioned it I could see that it was probably true. I was sure that a better man than Pa had never walked the earth. I started remembering all the times he had gone out of his way for Ma and me, and
many others. The list seemed endless as I thought on it.
Pa insisted that everyone try on the shoes before we left. I was amazed when they all fit and I wondered how he had known what sizes to get. Then I guessed that if he was on an errand for the Lord that the Lord would make sure he got the right sizes.
Tears were running down Widow Jensen's face again when we stood up to leave. Pa took each of the kids in his big arms and gave them a hug. They clung to him and didn't want us to go. I could see that they missed their Pa, and I was glad that I still had mine.
At the door Pa turned to Widow Jensen and said, "The Mrs. wanted me to invite you and the children over for Christmas dinner tomorrow. The turkey will be more than the three of us can eat, and a man can get cantankerous if he has to eat turkey for too many meals. We'll be by to get you about eleven. It'll be nice to have some little ones around again. Matt, here,
hasn't been little for quite a spell." I was the youngest. My two brothers and two sisters had all married and had moved away. Widow Jensen nodded and said, "Thank you, Brother Miles. I don't have to say, "'May the Lord bless you,' I know for certain that He will."
Out on the sled I felt a warmth that came from deep within and I didn't even notice the cold. When we had gone a ways, Pa turned to me and said, "Matt, I want you to know something. Your ma and me have been tucking a little money away here and there all year so we could buy that rifle for you, but we didn't have quite enough.
Then yesterday a man who owed me a little money from years back came by to make things square. Your ma and me were real excited, thinking that now we could get you that rifle, and I started into town this morning to do just that. But on the way I saw little Jakey out scratching in the woodpile with
his feet wrapped in those gunnysacks and I knew what I had to do. Son, I spent the money for shoes and a little candy for those children. I hope you understand."
I understood, and my eyes became wet with tears again. I understood very well, and I was so glad Pa had done it. Now the rifle seemed very low on my list of priorities. Pa had given me a lot more. He had given me the look on Widow Jensen's face and the radiant smiles of her three children.
For the rest of my life, whenever I saw any of the Jensens, or split a block of wood, I remembered, and remembering brought back that same joy I felt riding home beside Pa that night. Pa had given me much more than a rifle that night; he had given me the best Christmas of my life.
Don't be too busy today to notice those around you in need. |
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| Hna |
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| 07:19pm 30/11/2006 |
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mood: sad music: Vampire Princess Miyu - Suffering
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So...tried drawing again today. Tried drawing Kudou. Yeah...that didn't work so well. Let us resay, I cannot draw worth a tadpole. Feh. e.e;; So! o.o;; I'm still in school, will have my AA in August, am going to Sakura-con in April of which Brii, JenJen, Kat and a few other people are probably going. I'm excited. Kinda. I'll be extreamly excited if the suprise guest shows up. -nod nods- Saa...but...that's it. Ja, minna-san. |
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| 02:57pm 18/10/2006 |
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mood: content music: NIN - Head Like A Hole
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The first five people to respond to this post will get some form of art, by me. It will be about or tailored to those five lucky "victims."
This offer does have some restrictions and limitations.
* I make no guarantees that you will agree with what I perceive as art and/or quality.
* What I create will be just for you.
* It'll be done before 7 days have passed. ("You have seven days...")
* You have no clue what it's gonna be. It may be fic. It may be poetry. I may draw or paint or chainmaille-weave something. I may bake you something and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!
* I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.
The catch? Oh, the catch is that you have to put this in your journal as well, if you expect me to do something for you! |
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| Coldplay X&Y |
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| 07:43pm 28/09/2006 |
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mood: Exhaused; crappy music: Coldplay X&Y
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Coldplay X&y Lyrics
Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak and
Driven to distraction
Its all part of the plan
When something is broken
And you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way you can
I dive in at the deep end
She'd become my best friend
I wanna love you
But I don't know if I can
I know something is broken
And I'm trying to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way I can
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh...
You and me are floating on a tidal wave...
Together
You and me are drifting into outer space...
And singing
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh...
You and me are floating on a tidal wave...
Together
You and me are drifting into outer space
You and me are floating on a tidal wave...
Together
You and me are drifting into outer space...
And singing
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh... |
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| Bored o.O; |
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| 07:43pm 07/09/2006 |
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mood:  bored music: Gackt = The Last Song
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 | You scored as Rocker, Mosher. Your A Rocker!
Rocker, Mosher | | 65% | Goth | | 45% | Skater | | 40% | Emo | | 20% | Prepy | | 20% | Trendy | | 15% | Chav, Townie, Rude Boy, Ned, Kev | | 10% | </td>
What Group Are You? Chav, Rocker, Skater, Emo, Goth, Trendy, Prepy Ect
created with QuizFarm.com |
-shrugs- SO I was bored. o.O;; |
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| Quizzes...because I must update O.o; |
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| 10:06am 04/06/2006 |
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Which Gravitation Character are you?
You are Tohma Seguchi!!ARGHH! WHAT A BASTARD! >.< Anyway, you are a lying and coniving bastard who can't make up his mind. You try to do things right for the people you love, but it always goes wrong. You are very womanly and always have a happy face, though deep down you might be angry or sad. You love Eiri so much, but not in that sexual way. You love him and always will, try to save him from every bad thing in the world. But you are married to Mika, Eiri's sister, and now have a child. You can't be obsessing over him anymore, you have a family. In the end, you are very childlike and very sneaky. Crazy face! -Sara-sama
Take this quiz!
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Join
| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code
Which Loveless Character are you?
You're Soubi. You love in an endless way. You would die for the one you love. Offer them your heart and soul. Your submissive and place everything to that person. Fighting for them, loving them...you live for that.
Take this quiz!
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| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code
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| Hna.... |
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| 07:30am 25/04/2006 |
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mood:  Pouting music: o.o I wish
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So....attempted to stay up Monday so I could spend all day with her before I went out with JenJen for her birthday gift yesterday night. Didn't manage that. She convinced me to sleep with her...hna...I love falling asleep with her. >.>; No...it doesn't matter we're in different states. Hn. Anyway...woke up four or five hours later x.X;; -grumbles about the long ass 'nap'- Then, as James has a fucking habit of doing...we MUST speak of depressing heavy matters as SOON as I damn well wake up. What the HELL is wrong with him?? He may have been awake for the last 6 hours, but I HAVE NOT. -growls and grumbles....sighs- However his 'in depth' conversation took so fucking long I didn't get to go down and talk to Koudo before I had to head out to get to Jen's so I could take her out early enough that we could be leaving in time enough so she wouldn't be falling asleep in the car. -twitchs and growls- That in and of itself pissed me off. And he STILL KEPT TALKING! Oh my freaking lord! I wanted to stab him in the head, but by the time everything was said and done I had to leave to get to Jen's. It was too late to call Koudo and I couldn't take the moment to get down and leave her a message. I was so angry. -_-;;
Took Jen out to kareoke -can't spell that worth shit- and as usual she has a beautiful voice. I sounded like shit per usual. n.n; -shrugs- Gabe bowed out...again. Broke his promise. He was supposed to get my flashdrive back to me yesterday and he DIDN'T because he didn't go out with us. That's alright I suppose, Jen's going to torture him with what he missed while we were there. It was greatly amusing. JenJen and I were dancing and a guy out of no where came up and asked her where she normally dances. "Normally? At Demsies" That's the gay bar in town..it amuses me. He did the whole hand fluttering thing and said "Really?? O.O I'M GAY!" o.O;;;; Her responce? "Oh! ...well I'm bi and so is my friend here. n.n" I just blinked at them, shrugged and contnued dancing. I've decided Jen and I and everyone else and I have a different kind of dancing style. it amused me. Ment I danced alone most of the night, but it's all good. JenJen danced with ...Eric I believe his name was (the gay boy) most of the time. When she got tired of twisting and dipping and complex moves she danced with me. X3;; I dance simply, I suppose. That's alright...I know at least one other person whom dances like I do. Too bad he lives in Texas. ><; Eric was amusing. His female co-hert was anoying. o.o She asked if I was a slut. o.O;; The fuck? o.o I simply said '...no'. And then she said 'Oh...well you have a nice voice n.n' and wanted to sing with Jen, Eric and I. o.O We sang 'Wanna be'. It amused me. Heh.
We went out for food and then I dropped JenJen off at home around 130. I'm glad I could make her birthday gift pleasent. Got home...left a message for Koudo. Hna...you've no idea how much I wanted to and want to talk to her since I haven't since yesterday morn. -_-;; -mewls-
Damn it, Koudo, I'm stealing you ALL FUCKING DAY TOMORROW! ><
>.>;; Have a nice day, minna-san. |
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| Dial up |
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| 12:21am 18/04/2006 |
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mood: content music: none...should get some
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So....temporarily on dial up until pay day when we get cable back >.>;;;; I want my cable...but this works until then. Been writing a great deal...unfortunatly almost none of it is decent or not personal enough to be considered something of a story or something to even share on here. Hna...I'm sure you can guess whom it's about. >.>; I've decided I don't do long time periods without talking to Koudo very well. Even when I was on the trip with Tohma Omi or I called Koudo so we could talk. >.>; ._. So...yes. The old cleche is true. Can't stop damn well thinking of her.
-blinks .... and debates hiding when Tohma brings up thoughts of ice cubes- >.>;;; I shall find or make that seme shirt, damn it. >< -chuckles- Hna.
I DON'T SOUND LIKE A CHIPMUNK!!
-clears throat- Anyway...>.>; Easter was fun. n.n I got to talk to Tohma and Omi and then I called Koudo last so I could talk to her the most. n.n Nod nods. Unfortunatly we didn't get to talk long -sighs- And, as a note....I hate going to church on holidays because those are the days that they decide that they're going to make up for the rest of the year and be holy and all that shit. -_-;;; -le sigh- Demo we went to see Mom and the sister and her chibis for a few hours n.n And then I slept and then we colored eggs *_* I love coloring eggs, you've no idea. But we got one of those kit thingies and you drop some ink on it and move it all around with your hand and it makes a marble-looking design. n.n It was fun, but next time I think I'm just going to get food coloring and crayons and do it the old fashoned way. n.n It's much funner.
Met Tohma's koi today....I'ma call him kirei-chan because meeting him made Tohma happy again. You've no idea how happy that made me. n.n Tohma hasn't been without a kind of sadness for a very long time. It perpetually followed him, I think. Evil thing >.>; -stabs it- Kieri-chan made it go away though. n.n Yay!
Hna, anyway. Gods I miss Koudo. I hope she's sleeping well. I'll be heading to bed soon so I can sleep with her. n.n
Oyasumi minna-san |
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| Hn.. |
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| 03:32pm 16/03/2006 |
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mood: Soft and Fuzzy music: No Doubt - Serious
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Things have been....intersting. ...James ended up reading a phrase in my journal...the one I carry around..and don't let anyone read...heh...-shows part of a convo with Koudo-
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:00:38 PM): why not write down your thoughts
Aya (3/15/2006 10:01:04 PM): Because having the possibility of having someone read the ones that no one needs to be reading is too great."
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:01:46 PM): that's why you don't put any info like location or any major indicator as to who you are in the journal
Aya (3/15/2006 10:02:37 PM): Blinks "My privet journal was the one Brii sent me. It's destroyed."
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:02:54 PM): HOW?!
Aya (3/15/2006 10:02:59 PM): Fire
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:03:10 PM): why
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:03:12 PM): by who
Aya (3/15/2006 10:03:28 PM): By me. Because my thoughts shouldn't be written down.
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:03:35 PM): who said that
Aya (3/15/2006 10:04:40 PM): The closest I should come to that is my poetry, and I don't plan on putting them up on AP either any longer. I said that. They get too misconscrewed and hurt people.
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:05:02 PM): who
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:05:08 PM): told you to throw it in the fire
Aya (3/15/2006 10:05:42 PM): Smiles faintly "Because of something read Because it was 'I want to go home.' Then it had your name, with Home written over it. Because people write into things what they want to be true or are afraid are true. And no one did. I chose to. Tore the pages out first."
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:06:03 PM): .............
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:06:11 PM): tell bri chan what you did
Aya (3/15/2006 10:06:33 PM): Naze?
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:06:42 PM): it was a gift
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:06:50 PM): a present with thought put into it
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:07:01 PM): why would you decide to destroy it
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:07:05 PM): it's too unlike you
Aya (3/15/2006 10:07:08 PM): I couldn't leave those thoughts full
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:07:18 PM): .........baka
Aya (3/15/2006 10:08:14 PM): Nods slowly "Hai. I still can't believe what I did to it. I love that book. Demo..."
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:08:30 PM): .............
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:08:39 PM): with that said I KNOW something else is behind this
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:08:41 PM): tell me now
Aya (3/15/2006 10:09:34 PM): it hurts...that someone can read what I feel..something so deep like that and read anything they want into it and throw it in my face and use it against me when they shouldn't even have had a glimpse of it.
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:10:10 PM): who
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:10:13 PM): tell me
Aya (3/15/2006 10:10:31 PM): That someone would be willing to do that, even from something as simple as what he saw...Jamie."
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:10:46 PM): ...........
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:10:55 PM): if you're leaving him
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:11:00 PM): then why the fuck does it matter
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:11:06 PM): why can't you be you
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:11:21 PM): why did you hace to destory something of yourself all because of what one man thinks
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:12:24 PM): tell ryuichi now
Aya (3/15/2006 10:12:27 PM): All I know is that it hurt..gods it hurt and I never wanted anyone to have that ability to do that again
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:12:28 PM): or I will
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:13:06 PM): he shouldn't matter to you like that
Aya (3/15/2006 10:13:10 PM): I'm capable of taking care of things like that, even in my state, thank you.
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:13:14 PM): he's repressing your emotions
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:13:21 PM): then do so damnit!
Aya (3/15/2006 10:13:30 PM): Wipes his eyes "I am."
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:13:52 PM): ....
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:14:15 PM): you are in something like my sister is... though you were in it longer
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:14:19 PM): he's toxic to you
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:14:32 PM): if you can't be yourself around him
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:14:37 PM): then he isn't the one for you
Aya (3/15/2006 10:16:11 PM): Hides hsi face "I couldn't before and now it won't stop. I don't get it."
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:16:36 PM): because you need to
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:16:39 PM): that's why
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:16:48 PM): you can't repress your tears when they need to be let out
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:17:41 PM): do me a favor
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:17:49 PM): send me back that Home song I sent you
Aya (3/15/2006 10:17:58 PM): Nods
Aya (3/15/2006 10:19:34 PM): "Makes it difficult to see..." smiled faintly "Glad I can type without looking at my hands."
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:19:50 PM): sou ka
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:19:52 PM): demo
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:20:00 PM): you're bound to have a massive headache from it
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:20:03 PM): just so you know
Aya (3/15/2006 10:20:21 PM): Nods slowly, clinging "Nothing new..head hurt before."
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:20:45 PM): -nods and pets- I know but still... take something for it before it begins... if not for me then for yourself
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:20:49 PM): you really need it
Aya (3/15/2006 10:21:35 PM): Nods slowly, curling tight "She offered to send another."
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:22:40 PM): .... and will you take her up on that offer
Aya (3/15/2006 10:23:04 PM): "...I...would love to...demo..."
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:23:58 PM): but what
Aya (3/15/2006 10:25:09 PM): Shakes hsi head, closing his eyes "Iie, bitsune...I think..I'm taking her up on her offer."
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:25:31 PM): -smiles- sou ka...
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:25:40 PM): Trust me ... you'll be glad you did
Aya (3/15/2006 10:26:19 PM): Nods a bit "..hai.."
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:26:53 PM): ...what ...did he say to you... to make you do what you did..l.
Aya (3/15/2006 10:28:22 PM): "...a lot. Mainly along the lines of I should take a look at what I have around me and be thankful for what God has given to me and where he's placed me. That I need to repent a lot of things, just like he has, and get right with things and that even entertaining thoughts such as you being home are adulterous and shouldn't exist."
Aya (3/15/2006 10:31:24 PM): "All done in a very loving kind way, of course...a lot of around the bush and fluffy stuff."
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:33:09 PM): number one... he has no room to speak about being thankful to god... I know you are and that you're allowed to want a change... if he's not suitable for you then that's no reason for him to make you feel guilty for wanting something more of yourself. you DESERVE happiness and if you can't find it in him then sadly it's not his fault and you're allowed a way out. Number two ..who the fuck throws that in someone's face. "Look at what I ahve done for you and be grateful..." FUCK that's bullshit..No words can describe how conceeded that is. It's selfish to throw that out as well. He should take care of you because he WANTS to and not brag about it like you owe it to him. He did it because he wanted to and if you respond differently it's not his fault. Infact it's no one's fault at all because
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:34:54 PM): you are not obligated to have to return what he gives you unless you want to. He also has no room to talk about repenting when all he does is surpress you from letting you be free. He's making you suffer greatly.
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:35:07 PM): Look I'm going to tell you something no story in the bible teaches
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:35:10 PM): that should
Koudo (3/15/2006 10:38:13 PM): bible... it's just a bunch of stories... moral guide lines for making someone a better person. But like all stories they have a purpose or a moral perhaps.. The ones I've notice over my time of being in chruch and such was this. God does not want you to suffer no matter what. That you made you and you have free will. No matter how it was gained, he allows you to decide what you want to do with yourself and how you want to do it. He wants you to also be happy and if you end up doing "Wrong" to gain that happiness then know in your heart as well as know that in him he WILL forgive you for it because in your time you were able to live, loving him and finding loving and being happy and that that's all that he truly wants of you
--
I can honestly say I never want to be on the bad side of Koudo when he's pissed. Espically if all I got was over the computer and he's worse in person ._o;; n.n I can say I didn't make a mistake to allow Koudo to become home, however. And...if you managed to read all that...I am taking Brii up on that....I'm getting a new journal from her...I feel terrible about what I did to the other -_-;;; I loved that thing. -sighs- I kept the ribbon and the cover o.O;; -odd- I wish I had saved the front page Brii wrote on though -_-; Oh well.....I'll make sure I don't let things overwhelm me again.
-Fujimiya |
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| blame Koudo |
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| 07:44am 01/03/2006 |
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mood:  blank music: Dream Theater - Glass Prison
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| Tell the world who you are survey (160+ questions) | | Basics | | Name: | Barbara | | Nick Name(s): | Aya; Treefox; Tree; Foxxy; Neko-chan; Kitten | | Birthday: | 30 October | | Age: | 23 | | Age you wish you were: | -- | | Gender: | Female | | Birthplace: | Washington | | Current Location: | Washington | | Eye Color: | Brown | | Haircolor: | Brown | | Height: | 5'3" | | Righty/Left?Ambidextrous: | Depends on what it is | | Sexuality: | gay | | What grade are you in: | Collage | | Zodiac Sign: | -smirks- Scorpio (western); dog (chinese) | | Do You | | Smoke: | no | | Swear: | sometimes | | Sing: | all the time | | Drink: | very sparingly | | Want to go to College: | am in | | Want to get Married: | .... | | Belive in yourself: | no | | Think you are Attractive: | no | | Get along with your parents: | Yes | | Like thunderstorms: | Love them | | Play an instrument: | I sing | | If yes, what one(s): | Voice | | Consider yourself tolerant of others: | Yes | | Trust others easily: | No | | Physical | | Whad do you like most about your body: | I don't | | Least: | -see above- | | Are you a health freak: | No | | Your heritage: | Mutt | | Favorites | | Food: | Spagettii | | Place to eat: | Tomato Street | | Person: | Koudo | | Drink: | Water | | Band/Singer: | Alabama | | Music Genre: | all of them | | Color: | (order) Silver; red and black; pink purple and blue | | TV Show: | American TV: SG1 | | Sexual Fantaasy: | --- | | Turn on: | o.O Won't tell it here | | Season: | All of them | | Weather: | Thunder storms | | Late night activity: | Cuddling, dancing, talking | | Animal: | Raccoon | | Have you ever | | Had sex: | Hai | | Drank alcohol: | Hai | | Thought about committing suicide: | Who hasn't | | Cut yourself, on purpose: | Hai | | Had surgery: | Iie | | Been out of the country: | Hai | | Played strip poker: | Iie | | Want to (again): | Depends on whom it's with | | Slept with someone of the opp sex, that isn't related to you, wo having sex: | Hai | | Kissed the same sex: | Hai | | Dated the same sex: | Hai | | Done anything sexual with the same sex: | Hai | | Been betrayed: | Hai | | Killed an animal on accident: | Iie | | On purpose: | Iie | | Been on Radio/TV: | Iie | | Danced in the rain: | Hai | | Had a reoccurring dream: | Hai | | If is; do describe: | No | | Yes/No | | Have you colored your hair: | Hai | | Have any tattoos: | Iie | | If yes; where: | -- | | Cook: | Hai | | Talk to yourself: | Hai | | Have actual conversations with yourself: | Quite the bit | | Sleep walk: | Iie | | Snore: | Iie | | Name one thing you're obsessed with: | Koudo; music | | Fall sleep better with the TV/Radio on: | Hai | | Take walks in the rain: | Hai | | Do you wish it were more socially acceptable for a girl to ask a boy out: | It is | | In the past month | | Drank alcohol: | Iie | | Smoked: | Iie | | Been on drugs: | Iie | | Gone on a date: | Iie | | Eaton an entire box of Oreos yourself: | Iie (is yummy though >.>) | | Eaten sushi: | Iie | | Been on stage: | Iie | | Been dumped: | Hai | | Gone skinny dipping: | Iie | | (ever gone skinny dipping): | Hai | | Stolen Anything: | Iie | | Been called a tease: | Hai | | Regret something you did: | ...I debate | | Regret something you didn't do: | Hai | | This/That | | Soda or Coffee: | Neither | | Coffee or Cappuccino: | Neither | | Chocolate or Vanilla: | Both | | Briefs/Pantis or Boxers(on yourself): | Depends | | Spandex or Shorts(on yourself): | Shorts | | Skateboarding or Blading: | Blading | | Taken or Single(currently): | Taken | | Windows or Macintosh or Unix(Linux): | Windows | | Loner or Group(on average preferred): | Loner | | Passive or Aggressive: | Aggressive | | Optimistic or Pessimistic: | Pessimisticly optimistic | | Pepsi or Coke: | Neither | | McDonald's or Burger King: | Burger King | | Single or group Dates: | Single | | Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: | Neither | | In a Boy/Girl... | | Favorite Eye Color: | Green | | Favorite Hair Color: | Any | | Short or Long hair: | Long | | height: | Doesn't matter | | Body Type: | Doesn't matter | | Best clothing style: | Doesn't matter | | Number of Piercings: | Doesn't matter | | Number of Tattoos: | Doesn't matter | | Glasses: | Doesn't matter | | Party hopper or more stay at home: | More stay at home | | Relationships | | Currently have a crush: | Hai | | If yes; what's their name: | -- | | Do you dream about your crush: | Hai n.n | | What do you find most remantic: | -assumes ment romantic-Watching the sunset | | Do you consider your significant other hot: | Kirei | | Who pays: | both | | Holding hands is: | cute | | Do you like watching the sunrise/set with you sig other: | See four up | | Had a stalker: | Hai | | Are YOU the stalker: | Iie | | Miss someone right now: | Hai | | Biggest turn off: | -- | | Should they be willing to give you a back rub at almost any time: | Be nice, but not nessicary | | Would they play with your hair: | Hai n.n | | Kisses | | Do you like kissing: | Hai | | Do you only kiss one person on the lips: | Iie | | If so who: | -- | | Do you prefer tongue or no tongue: | Depends | | Where is the best place to be kissed on your body: | Not specified | | Worst place: | Not found | | Last person who | | Turned you on: | Koudo | | Made you laugh: | Koudo | | Laughed at your joke(s): | Koudo | | Made you cry: | Omi | | Brightened your day: | Tohma | | You saw a movie with: | Tohma | | Emotions | | What makes you cry your heart out: | --- | | Do tears make eyes look pretty: | I wouldn't know | | What do you do when you're angry: | Become silent and debate plotting their downfall. | | What makes you happy: | Koudo | | What/who makes you smile uncontrollably: | Koudo | | Who cheers you up more than anyone else: | Koudo o.O Repeditive much? | | Miscellaneous | | Your weakness: | -- | | Your biggest fear: | --- | | Your perfect pizza: | Tomatoes, cheese, mushrooms on squishy soft but not ew dough n.n | | Goal you would like to achieve this year: | .... | | Your most overused phrase/word on an instant messenger: | Hna | | Thoughts first waking up: | -insert fuzz- | | Your bedtime: | Whenever I fall asleep..or when Koudo pouts/whines/cojoles | | Your most missed memory: | .... | | Have any pets: | Four cats | | Who's the person you talk to the most online: | Koudo | | Who are you on the phone most with: | Koudo, Omi and Tohma | | Who do you trust the most: | Koudo | | Who listens to your problems most: | Koudo; Tohma | | Who do you fight with the most: | James | | Name someone's arems you feel safest in: | Koudo; Tohma | | And Finally | | Was this quiz pointless or did it allow you to tell everyone more about you: | Fairly pointless for me, I suppose | Take this survey | Find more surveys
You've been totally Bzoink*d |
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| Stone Sour - Bother |
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| 09:24pm 29/01/2006 |
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mood: blank music: Stone Sour - Bother
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Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds
Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds
[Solo: Corey]
Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries
And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit
It fits a lot lately. The question now is if I want to wait until things fall appart or take that step and leave myself. The only time I've wanted to do something for myself like this....life changing. I've always gone with the flow, done what seemed would make everyone else happy. I want to go home. I want to leave. |
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| It fits the moment. |
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| 07:11pm 11/01/2006 |
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mood: Softly Sad music: Somewhere, Somehow ~ Amy Grant, Steven Chapman
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Because you loved me -
For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I’ll be forever thankful baby
You’re the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You’re the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ’coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I’m grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don’t know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ’coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You’ve been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ’coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ’coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me |
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| 10:54am 10/01/2006 |
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mood:  Fuck Off music: --
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I want to go home. |
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| Even Angels Fall |
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| 08:26am 04/01/2006 |
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mood: blank music: Even Angels Fall
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Even Angels Fall - Jessica Riddle
You found hope, you found faith.
Found how fast she could take it away.
Found true love, but lost your heart.
Now you don't know who you are.
She made it easy, made it free.
Made you hurt till you couldn't see.
Sometimes it stops, sometimes it flows.
But baby, that is how love goes.
You will fly and you will crawl.
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you've lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.
It's a secret, that no one tells.
One day it's heaven one day it's hell.
And it's no fairy tale, take it from me.
That's the way it's supposed to be.
You will fly and you will crawl.
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you've lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.
You laugh, you cry, no one knows why, But oh, the thrill of it all.
You're on the ride,
You might as well, open your eyes.
You will fly and you will crawl.
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you've lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.
Even angels fall.
Even angels fall.
It seems to fit the moment this morning, for some reason. |
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rosemakoto's journal
